Untitled

Bruh. It’s September.

Why does this keep happening? lol

I will reserve the self-deprecating comments on why/how I haven’t written here since January – but jeez.

The good news is that this year has been full of really great, happy things. Also, some not-so-happy things. Lots of learning, lots of lessons – as always.

As I write this, I am admittedly in the midst of a not great thing – yet it’s really not bad, either. I had been dating someone I cared about for about 8 months – all of this year – my entire 2022 (part of the reason this blog didn’t get any luv is because I was) and we just parted ways this week. It was a great reintroduction to the dating/relationship world for me after a realllly long time being single; he checked a lot of boxes, but there were some that weren’t checked either…and quite honestly I tried to avoid facing that fact because I really liked him as a person, and we had great chemistry. Liked being the important word. I am truly grateful I met him and for the time together; I feel like I learned a lot about myself and relationships from a more healthy and healed perspective. I (giggling) named this entry based on a conversation we had not so long ago where I told him about my 2009 sad girl playlist (2009 was a YEAR). Untitled by Simple Plan, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum, a lot of gems lol.

So, a fresh start to September, the month of rebirths. I am excited to see what the Universe has in store, as any time it makes room, it’s preparing for something better. I graciously receive!

Speaking of good things – lots of changes on the professional front. I had been working for an amazing media company in a contract capacity and had expected that to end around early February. When I started there, I had hoped I would make them fall in love with me and hire me on – but that didn’t seem likely in the headcount aspect (I did succeed in making my boss love me though), so I started searching again. I interviewed with two companies in the tech space that I can’t even believe I got the opportunity – and made it to the final round for each. The hiring manager for one told me verbatim that “you are exactly what we are looking for. You knocked this interview out of the park.” I then performed beyond my own expectations on the panel interview portion, of which I got the news that I was being moved to the third and final round for the other company minutes prior. I was feeling hopeful and optimistic – and then the role was put on hold for budget reasons at the one company. It’s ok, I thought – the other company literally gave me that amazing feedback! I was crushed when she came back to me a few days later and said that the team had moved forward with another candidate, but she wanted to connect on LinkedIn and stay close – that I should keep my eyes open for another role and she would recommend me. It was still nice feedback but hard to swallow in the moment. I felt like I was again in the void, that weird in-between space where I have no idea who I am or am supposed to be, and just want stability and to be fulfilled in the work I am doing. *Cries every millennial ever*

Meanwhile, my relationship was new and going really well. We literally connected on New Years Day (while I had Covid, no less) and the rest was history. And then… my boss asked about my interview progress… and if I would be interested in potentially staying with them; they love me, the work I do, and saw a need for me on another team, yet I’d still report to my boss. They would need to extend my contract a few months to build out the role – would that be okay?

Would that be OKAY?! I nearly fainted from the oxytocin rush.

So, that was the plan. I had gotten exactly what I had hoped to manifest – and then some. Building a role especially for me – I could not ask for more. There was a team offsite in Miami a few months later, 3 days which were purely social and fun with team building in mind. It coincided with the anniversary of what I consider one of the worst days of my life (sorry to bring you up again, 2009), and I stood on that beach that day and tipped my head to the sun, feet in the sand, water kissing my toes, and thanked every lucky star in existence as I recalled the version of me that sank into the ground that day years before, a la Maid on Netflix, sinking into the couch… honestly wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore… and recognizing – celebrating how I have rebuilt my life in the years since. How she could not have possibly imagined the life I am living at this moment. That it really does get better. The version of me now, who is not totally sure of what I am doing at all times, but the only requirement is to show up and do it scared, because I have started to realize the only one holding me back was myself.

The next day, still on the workcation, I received news that I was one of the people on the team that received an industry award and shout-out for a campaign I had worked on – which happened to be for my favorite beverage. It was a full-circle moment and I felt like someone up above was smiling at me.

So yeah – definitely one of those surreal type of moments where you just feel the joy in your heart, the gratitude for life itself. I decided to commemorate it by sharing a gratitude post on Instagram. In the moments before posting, a drop of fear permeated my mind – “What if something goes wrong? You know by sharing this news that would be much worse and super embarrassing. Too much is going right, doesn’t it seem?”

I honestly got so annoyed with that voice at that moment. In the past, I had operated mostly in fight or flight mode – always expecting the other shoe to drop. I said NO – not listening to you. I deserve this, I deserve to be happy. I have worked really hard to ignore the fear that occasionally bubbles up and tries to make me believe its lies. “Posted!”

An exact week later, 7 full days, my boss scheduled a Zoom call with me. Being so kind and naturally bubbly, she was never in a bad mood that I had seen. When I signed on, I immediately noticed her face and tone – she was sad, quiet, withdrawn. She broke the news that in the months since I had been extended, almost no progress had been made with the team the new role was proposed for. This had been mentioned as a challenge early on, yes – but no one expected actual rebuff. It wasn’t personal as they didn’t know me – they were just set in their ways and didn’t see a need for change. Unfortunately, she didn’t have the leverage needed to continue to extend me. She said she wouldn’t stop fighting for the role – it was needed, after all – and she hoped that she could lure me back should it materialize, but that my role would end within 6 weeks. She was just as shocked as I was, given that I was just able to go to the offsite, all expenses paid. I was in such shock I didn’t even fully process the news that day.

The shame, the embarrassment that washed over me in waves was intense. “Who are YOU to think you could challenge the universe in that way? I warned you not to admit to this much happiness in such a public manner!” The fear was strong, and loud.

I wallowed for the next three weeks. During this time, it was my bf’s birthday (btw – boyfriend is such an odd word when you’re old. I find partner equally as weird and sometimes confusing, so it doesn’t quite work) so I was at least a little distracted as we celebrated.

Then I snapped out of it. The Universe is NOT against me, I am just not promised all good things. Lessons are learned in various ways. If something is being removed from my life, it’s for good reason. Protection. Redirection.

After that, I felt this weight come off my shoulders – I couldn’t explain it. I just knew deep inside it was going to be okay. I didn’t know what that meant, exactly – but decided to just trust. I had just come off an extended unemployment break of 9 months prior to this job, so I didn’t really feel like I needed another – I wanted to work. I just wanted it to make sense for my career and fulfillment. I started applying to jobs that interested me – and scared me a little. Comfort zone, let me push thee boundaries.

I made a list of companies I wanted to work for and kept it in the Notes app on my phone. I looked at the calendar and thought “hmm. I’d really like to be working by the end of July.” Coinciding with another anniversary of sorts, it would seem like a good new way to reframe the date range. If it happened that way, great. If not, well, I guess I was going to get another summer break. Certainly nothing to complain about in the scheme of things. I spent my time reviewing the things I already had that I was grateful for.

The company at the top of my list contacted me – three separate times, for three separate roles. *Peeks at sky*

Okay… no expectations though. No pressure, either, because if it doesn’t happen, then it wasn’t meant to be – and I get that summer break.

Spoiler: I got the friggin’ job. Well, one of them, lol. The news was so unexpected, and I was literally en route to a concert, that I didn’t even have a chance to fully absorb the news that day. My start date was the exact week I had picked out. It had all happened. I felt lightheaded.

It’s still super new – I have been there a little over a month and feel challenged – in a healthy way. My new boss could quite literally be the male version of my previous boss; so supportive and just great. I also finished two certifications I was working on right before starting my new job. I am super grateful.

I hope the takeaway here is that if you’re ever doubting how things will turn out, or if you’re scared to act on that thing that is in your mind – do it. Take the first steps because all of that progress adds up. Scared? Do it anyway.

I have wondered if I should even share any of this – what if the same thing happens again? What I have realized is that life is always changing, and circumstances can always change. All I can do is show up, do my best, and have faith that things will work out for the best. I trust that the people and opportunities meant for me won’t miss me.

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