When I write here, I tend to share other items or articles I have come across and enjoyed. Oftentimes, these serve as a nudge for me to actually sit and finally blurt out the thoughts that have been running through my mind and also serve as synchronicity from the universe (more often than not, especially when I read my own thoughts, written by another person). It is always wonderful to feel I am being heard – and encouraged.
And so, that’s where my message starts today.
I was reading Cait Flanders’ recent newsletter, and she reflects on commitment – to oneself, to others, and to writing (amongst many such relationships. This is too brief a summary, I suggest you check out the full piece on Substack). She honestly explores the things holding her back – being too vulnerable and then failing, fearing what others think, and even wondering what exes would think as they read her words – or family, or colleagues. As such, she has admitted to censoring herself in past writing. Some of her worries she shared – I have feared the same, verbatim as she detailed them.
I have been censoring myself for as long as I can remember, even when I ‘wasn’t’ and had more of a “I don’t give a fuck” type of attitude. Except, that version of me was still very fearful, though defiant. As the years have passed and I have grown (in years and arguably in other ways), I felt some shame at (some) things I had written in the past, thinking I wrote it when I was still healing, too vulnerable, too immature. Certain articles and posts, they admittedly still inspire that slow, hot burning in my ears – it’s like reading a journal from your preteen days. This isn’t a post to thump myself on the back about all the growing I feel I have done, though. It’s a reminder for myself to lean into my authenticity, and explore that shame. I will always be growing, healing, and quite likely less mature than I will be at a future point in time. That is actually the whole point of this exercise called life, isn’t it? If I am too worried about the judgment of others – presumably those (with all due respect, not as far along in their own healing if they are truly judging me) who don’t know me, whether in actuality or just in reality, then shame on me, for I am only keeping my own light dimmed.
If you’ve done this too, it’s understandable. We live in a society where our earliest social interactions teach us how to ‘be’ and fit in. The whispers and judgments of others have likely kept all of us small at some point in our lives.
Today, I invite you to rethink that approach and fully embrace who and what you are.
I have touched on my spiritual journey, and fully intend to dive into that process. I now know what has been holding me back – both the fear of being completely open and vulnerable about a topic that is both close to my heart and yet unquestionably considered ‘woo-woo’ and prone to jokes or disbelief (even from those closest to me). I have learned that my faith in myself and what is out there is bigger than my fear. It’s still there, but I wasn’t ready until now to really embark on one of the most important pieces of my journey: sharing it here. I am also no longer worrying about capitalistic concerns – like whether my writing will ‘go anywhere.’ When I was successfully writing for income, I never felt more creatively blocked. I know with unwavering faith, anyone meant to read my words, will, and that is the purpose.
So… you are here (points to map). Thank you for being here. I hope you will keep an open mind, and I will try to answer all questions as we go along. Stay tuned…