Today I am a little bit tired. A little bit drained.
Is it Mercury Retrograde or the other 6 planets spinning backwards right now (like, through October. Get comfy!)? No. Well, maybe. lol
I have been feeling this way pretty consistently over the last month. I started a new job at the end of July and ramped really quickly, because the nature of the role requires it. I worked days, and most nights, too. I will say that no one asked that of me; but I saw no other way to accomplish all that laid before me. It has been awhile since I have done so, thankfully – ever since I left the cosmetics company in 2019, I have considered myself blessed to be in positive, very balanced working environments. I am still blessed in that this environment is ultra positive – just also crazy busy at the moment.
I didn’t – don’t – mind this period of crazy if I know there is an end date in sight, and I see it pretty clearly right now. This week, while still busy, has already been so much lighter as we accomplish the things we set out to do – and I am excited about it. I am excited about the relief I feel at being able to think straight and also just binge watch the 5 million streaming services I subscribe to. Tell Me Lies, Hulu? Yes, please.
Seriously, I have every streaming service, I think. Who even has time for all that? ADHD = options needed.
I was brushing my teeth this morning, and as I stared back into my own eyes in the mirror, I distractedly thought about how light my calendar was for today, and the work I could get done. Then, my mind wandered to next week and I thought, “If I can just make it ‘there’, this will all be so much better.”
I suddenly had a memory pop into my head from 2007: my son – my sweet little baby, who was all of 4 or 5 months then, sitting in his blue rubber Bumbo chair, suspended from all movement as his deliciously chunky baby thighs kept him anchored in place. For that moment, he was content and occupied. Me, I was not as happy. I was beyond overwhelmed; my (now ex) husband was in Florida in rehab for opioid addiction; I was struggling with keeping all parts of my life together as I struggled alone with postpartum depression, being a new mom in general, isolation from friends and family (I was ashamed of what was happening with my ex and kept it mostly to myself; it was harder to tell people), general loneliness and financial ruin, basically. I was drowning and didn’t know how to get the air I needed; but for that one moment, I told myself, if I can just make it to when my son is a year old, it will be better.
That, of course, is a much more dire and dramatic example than from where I currently sit (thankfully, and with so much gratitude I say that). My reality is no longer the same as that memory.
But, it gave me pause, too. As any parent can appreciate, you look at your children, and it feels as though you blinked and they are suddenly grown. My son is now nearly 16, in his sophomore year of high school (double digit grade!), and will be eligible for his driver’s permit soon. Time has gone a little too fast, and I wish I had spent more time appreciating the small moments – even ones tinged with sadness, or stress – you get the point.
It reminded me of that Adam Sandler movie, “Click.” The premise is that he can fast forward (with the help of a magical remote control) through the bad or even mundane parts. In hindsight, he regrets not taking more time to enjoy the little things that really make up life – and the big things.
So today, while I am tired, I feel accomplished and content. And I am going to take some time to sit in gratitude and take in the good around me. Let this be a reminder for us not to constantly rush to the good part (cue the song I just cursed us all to hear on repeat for at least 24 hours).